


Protect You From Yourself

by madamewriterofwrongs



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Assumptions, Bobby is Buck's Dad, Concerned Family, Domestic Issues, Established Relationship, Family, Fatherly Advice, Fight resolution, Idiots in Love, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Miscommunication, Parental Issues, Soft Eddie Diaz, Soft evan buckley, Trouble Sleeping, brief mention of injury, talking about feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:27:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25316056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madamewriterofwrongs/pseuds/madamewriterofwrongs
Summary: Buck and Eddie aren't talking to each other and at first, it was worrying, now it's getting a little annoying.Buck has a new burn on his arm that neither of them will talk about.Bobby gives Buck some late-night advice.Buck and Eddiereallyneed to talk, but have no idea where to begin. But it's worth it, if they can fix things between them.Nothing is more important than family.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 27
Kudos: 383





	Protect You From Yourself

When the alarm rang in the middle of lunch, Chimney was not afraid to admit that he breathed a sigh of relief. Perhaps for the first time in his career, he was grateful for the interruption of an emergency call.

If it meant getting away from Buck and Eddie and the wall of ice between them.

The entire meal had been filled with awkward silences and cold shoulders, followed by longing looks when the other turned away. It was impossible to miss the tension between them. Those two had been attached at the hip since before they had started dating, and their synchronicity had only gotten worse after Buck moved in to Eddie’s house. Everyone was just waiting to see who would propose first.

But this? The way they refused to sit next to each other or speak unless they were focused on their work: it had been going on for a week. Neither one of them would talk about what was bothering them, nor would they acknowledge that there even was a problem.

So if the rest of the team ran a little faster to get into their gear when the alarm rang, it was with good reason. Some of them had to work a 24-hour shift with them tomorrow and a sense of dread was slowly building in the fire station.

They worked together when necessary, in sync as always, but all the moments in between were gone. The flirting, the doe eyes, the endless teasing and joking; Hen had never missed their endless banter so much. But even their sappiest moments would have been comparable to the rigid silence that plagued the long truck rides.

Something had to give.

By democratic vote (that is to say: he was the last one upstairs so everyone volunteered him for the job), Chimney was elected to corner one of the boys and finally get some answers. If this didn’t work, there was talk of telling Bobby and _making_ the boys talk. Neither of them was particularly good at lying to their Captain, but it would be used as a last resort – which was slowly approaching.

The paramedic jogged down the stairs to where he knew Buck was currently setting up weights to begin his daily routine, and noticed that Eddie was nowhere to be found. Now was his chance.

“Hey, Buckaroo, where’s your other half?” That sounded casual, right? Perhaps a little forced but not pressuring.

The other man didn’t even stop as he screwed in the second weight, checking they were secure. “Don’t know.” Nothing; just a sour expression and a tight voice. This couldn’t continue.

“Come on, man, what’s going on with you two? You haven’t been this cold since you met him. I thought pulling out that grenade fused you guys at the hip or something.”

Buck did pause at that but he kept his eyes close to the ground. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Like hell he didn’t. “Everyone knows there’s something wrong. Neither of you are hiding it that well and frankly, it’s getting a little annoying. What, did you have a fight?” The way his shoulders tensed, told Chimney he was on the right track. When Buck still didn’t say anything, focusing way too hard on the bar in front of him, he pressed on. “Well what was it, can you apologize?”

Buck curled his fingers until his knuckles were white. “Why do you assume it’s something I did?”

Chimney raised his hands in defense. Clearly, he’d hit a nerve. “Because you’re the first one I found. I’ll be giving the same speech to Eddie as soon as he comes out of hiding.”

“He’s in the washroom.” Slowly, the firefighter seemed to be releasing the tension in his shoulders, preparing to continue with his workout. Whether he wanted to or not, Chimney knew their conversation was done. Buck hadn’t looked at him once, and everything about his tight expression and clipped words were screaming ‘I don’t want to talk about this.’ Too bad, Chimney had been elected to solve the problem.

With a sigh, the paramedic stepped closer, hoping that if he took up more of Buck’s line of sight, he’d have no choice but to look at him. It was more than just peer pressure that had brought him downstairs. Buck and Eddie were his friends – his brothers – but Buck actually _was_ his brother-in-law and he cared about the kid. Maddie had had no insight into what was wrong with her brother, but maybe _he_ could reach Buck. He searched for the right words, looking down to gather his thoughts. Instead, his eye caught sight of a small patch of skin on the man’s left forearm. It was pink and tight, bits of it indicated a recently popped blister, and it pulled tighter as Buck lifted the weights.

“Hey, I’ve never seen that burn before. When’d you get that?”

The sound of a slamming locker startled them both. Chimney looked over his shoulder to watch Eddie run a hand apologetically over the offending locker door, before running up the back stairs. He didn’t look at Buck but he’d clearly heard the question. And his partner…well his partner was watching Eddie moving further away with some mix of guilt, anger, and sadness in his eyes.

Chimney looked between them until Buck blinked away the emotions, replacing them with the same blank tension. Even the crew upstairs could sense the intense connection between the pair being pulled taut. And Chimney felt trapped between them. This was why he didn’t want to talk to them, but knew he had to be the one. Things were awkward enough and now Buck, was clenching his jaw like he wanted to say something – shout something, more like – but instead, he looked down at the ground.

“Uh, it’s nothing. Just a little accident at home. Excuse me.” He lowered the bar and walked away before the other man could ask any more questions.

Well that was odd. They were no closer to getting their answers, but short of tying Buck to a chair and forcing him to talk (which was still a possibility), he wouldn’t learn anything this way.

Time to bring out the big guns.

* * *

Buck couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t surprising. He hadn’t slept well all week, but he’d hoped that after six nights of sleeping on the couch, a bed – even one as lumpy and old as the ones at the station – would get his body to relax enough for a few hours of sleep.

Except, he couldn’t get his mind to shut up. Normally, that wasn’t a problem for him; he liked thinking a mile a minute and using the adrenaline to push him through to a solution at the end of his rambling thoughts.

Tonight, though, tonight Buck just wanted to shut everything off and get some sleep. For once.

They’d gone a solid four hours without a non-medical call that required him to leave the station – like even the city of Los Angeles was begging him to get some rest. If only he could listen.

He pulled up his phone, hoping that the world had somehow sped up and he was closer to the end of his shift than he thought. The screen blinded him before his eyes could adjust in the darkness of the communal sleep area.

 _Nope_. 3am. Still 9 more hours.

Buck let his eyes wander to where he knew Eddie was sleeping soundly a few beds over. On 24-Hours, they would normally take bunks next to each other or just share – though after the third time he’d accidently elbowed Eddie when trying to roll over, they opted to just sleep next to each other. Tonight, he was further away. Not gone, just further away.

He didn’t know how to talk about it, that was the problem. He didn’t know what to say to make it all better – if such words existed. Buck rolled on to his back and stared up at the ceiling as though the marbled panels somehow held the answers.

Somewhere to his side, a body stirred and Buck shot up, hoping it was Eddie. The disappointment that followed at the sight of Jackson flipping his position in his sleep was enough to get Buck out of bed. This was ridiculous. If the ceiling tiles didn’t have the answers and Eddie wouldn’t magically wake up when he wanted him to, maybe a cup of coffee would have the answers.

The only way for a lot of the crew at the 118 to survive their fluctuating schedules was to force their bodies into as much of a regular rhythm as possible. That meant some of the crew walked in, donned their uniforms and went right to bed to get as much sleep as possible before the first bell. Some of them would force themselves awake at 6am regardless, if it meant keeping their bodies acclimated to rising with the sun.

Eddie was always like that. 5:45am, no matter what, he was awake and hitting the gym or getting his son ready for school, no matter what time he fell into bed. Buck was like that as well, and always happy to join Eddie in his morning routine, but he was also aware of how much sleep his body needed – kept track of it along with every other aspect of his health – and if he needed to sleep in an extra hour to get those precious REMs, he was more than happy to pull Eddie back into bed on a Saturday morning.

But here at the station, it was about routine and doing what was necessary. Sleeping when possible and maintaining normalcy at all hours.

All this to say, the loft was deserted of occupants as Buck stumbled in looking for his precious coffee. Empty except for one.

“Hey Bobby.” He tried to smile but it came out as more of a grimace at the change in lighting and exhaustion in his bones. “Couldn’t sleep?”

“Someone has to keep watch.” The captain sat back from his place at the table, obviously scrutinizing Buck’s disheveled appearance. He probably looked as much of a mess as he felt; no wonder Bobby looked concerned. He wasn’t used to 3am Bobby. He was used to 8am Bobby with his eggs and toast waiting when he walked into the station. This was contemplative, calm, concerned Bobby without the pressure of other eyes. “Sit with me.”

Buck took the invitation as a command, shuffling his feet towards the offered chair even as Bobby rose swiftly and walked toward the kitchen island. He returned a moment later with a hot cup of coffee which he placed in front of Buck.

3am Bobby was officially his favourite.

He took the cup gratefully and inhaled the sweet aroma of being too tired to care what it smelled like as long as it was loaded with caffeine. Sipping it was also a wonderful distraction from the contemplative, calm, concerned eyes of his captain. Coffee would never look at him like that. Coffee loved him unconditionally. Buck kept drinking.

“How are things at home?” He almost spit the contents of the cup onto the table at Bobby’s question. So 3am Bobby also didn’t pull his punches. Good to know. Buck felt his face grow hot. The thing between him and Eddie wasn’t supposed to affect their work – that was their agreement in exchange for continuing to work together – but clearly, they were failing this week. This was the second confrontation in as many days and he had to wonder if Eddie had been feeling just as cornered by the questions.

“Chimney told you.” He shook his head. Leave it to his brother-in-law to rat him out to their boss because of a little domestic disagreement. They had really failed at keeping it to themselves.

Bobby didn’t scold like he expected the captain to. Instead, he placed a hand next to Buck’s; not touching, just gently reminding him that he wasn’t alone. “He’s worried about you two. We all are.”

He shrugged. What was he supposed to say? Sorry? He’ll be better about hiding it next time he blows up the best relationship of his life? “We’ll be fine. It’ll blow over.” And then, because his subconscious was begging for release, he muttered “I hope” into his coffee cup.

Whether Bobby heard that last part, Buck was too scared to look, focusing all of his attention on the one thing he still had going for him: caffeine. The man kept asking questions though.

“Does it have something to do with your new burn?”

Chimney had told him everything then. He’d been so careful about wearing his long-sleeved uniform and keeping his time in the change room to a minimum so no one would notice the healing wound. Compared to some of the other injuries he’d sustained over the past few years, this was nothing. It would heal in a week or so. But the memory of it stung the most.

He lost himself for a moment, drifting back to that night almost a week ago when his flesh had been seared away. He’d lost more than a few layers of skin, he realized later. All because he couldn’t keep his stupid mouth shut.

Nothing he said would fix it. Buck just didn’t have the answers and it was driving him crazy. If the ceiling didn’t have the answers, and Eddie wouldn’t magically wake up when he wanted him to, and the coffee was affectionate but not overly talkative, maybe Bobby could help.

That would mean talking about that night; reliving all the ways he’d screwed up.

But he needed his partner back. So, he swallowed his pride – and another swig of coffee – and gently recounted the catalyst.

“We were making dinner – well, I was making dinner, Christopher and Eddie were helping.” He rolled his eyes but Bobby kept patiently watching, waiting until he continued. “And we were talking. And then we started fighting.” Even as he said it, he felt that familiar heat of shame rising in his chest. “Eddie’s parents are coming to town for Christopher’s birthday on Saturday and…I don’t like the way they talk to Eddie. Or the way they talk about Christopher.” Shame was replaced with frustration and anger the way it had when the topic was initially brought up about Eddie’s parents spending the weekend at the house. “They don’t _believe_ in them. They’re always criticizing and belittling and I know Eddie defends them because they’re his parents and he loves them. But they tried to take Christopher away from him and I kind of hate them for it.”

Hate was a strong word and on a good day, he liked Eddie’s parents. But the idea of them being around so much; of being in their space – the space they’d crafted for just the three of them – it had set something off in Buck. Something angry and possessive.

“And I might have said all of that to his face.” The moment he knew he’d screwed up was when Eddie pursed his lips, a sign that he was staving off tears. Somewhere between ‘how can you not see it’ and gritting out ‘they can’t stay here’, Buck had crossed a line. The realization of his mistake was quickly overshadowed by the hurt in Eddie’s eyes as he reminded Buck that he had no say in _his_ house or _his_ family. “So, we fought.” That was the simplest way to say it. No voices had been raised but harsh words had been hissed out over the boiling pot while Christopher was busy by the sink. It hadn’t occurred to them until later just how close he was.

“And a fight about that became a fight about everything and we weren’t paying attention and Christopher wanted to turn off the boiling pot even though he _knows_ he’s not tall enough to reach.” They’d stepped away from the stove when their tight but quiet tones had started to rise; intending to keep an eye on the little boy and the steaming meal they were hopefully going to eat together. But it was long enough. “I looked away for one second and suddenly he was this close to” He choked on the end of his sentence.

The visions of Christopher’s body hovering over the stove still haunted his nightmares. He’d had two unsteady legs on the stepstool Buck had gotten him so he could watch and help around the kitchen, one hand reaching for the control knob and the other falling towards the hot surface to balance himself. Buck felt his eyes burn just a little at the memory. _Stupid 3am coffee._

“He was this close and I just grabbed him on instinct.” Pulled the boy by his waist, holding his arms against his body as he spun away from danger.

“Is he” He’d almost forgotten that Bobby was there, but the hand beside his was slowly creeping closer, ready to comfort him.

“He’s fine. He was a little startled but he was fine. I, however, got a little too close to the burner.” He lifted up the arm where he still felt the tug of new skin under his uniform. “Stung like hell but I had a medic looking after me.” Even if Eddie hated his guts and never wanted to see him again, the man would never refuse to help someone in need. And the string of almost curses that Buck had tried to keep under his tongue as his flesh burned away was definitely a _need_. Christopher had been sent out of the kitchen to sit at the table, stunned tears in his eyes, while Eddie sat him down to tend to his wound in silence. He remembered watching those practiced hands working quickly to clean and tend to his injury without saying anything. Remembered how light-headed he got when he thought about Christopher getting hurt because they weren’t paying attention; because they were too caught up in themselves to keep him safe in his own home. The anger and hurt had evaporated in an instant.

“We didn’t really talk after that, but suddenly, the fight didn’t matter to me anymore. None of it mattered as long as they were both safe. Nothing is more important than family.” _This_ family, he mentally corrected. His family. The one he’d made himself.

It had taken him 2 minutes to calm down as Eddie treated his burn. It had taken 30 minutes for him to ask Christopher about his day as a distraction. It had taken him 4 hours to get to sleep after Eddie muttered that they shouldn’t be together tonight. It had taken him 1 day to realize that the things he’d said out of anger meant nothing and he needed to apologize. It had taken 2 days for him to realize that Eddie wasn’t ready to talk to him. The rest of the time, he could feel eyes on him whenever he looked away and it only made his stomach churn faster. They both needed to apologize but he had no idea how to start. 

“I take it you haven’t told him all of this.”

Buck shook his head. “I can’t take back what I said – and it wouldn’t mean much because I don’t want to take it back. I want them to be happy and I want them to be with the people they love. I just don’t know how to do both.”

The idea of spending two days with people who made him uncomfortable, made him feel protective of his family, it kept gnawing at him. Eddie’s parents weren’t bad people, just overly decisive. Eddie was a good dad; Buck knew that from the very start. When he heard anyone try to change his mind about what was best for Christopher in a way that made Eddie feel less than?

Apparently, it made him say things he would come to regret. 

Beside him, Bobby nodded slowly, letting Buck wander in and out of their conversation. “That’s tough. You want to protect them but it feels more like an intrusion.”

“And Eddie won’t even talk to me so it’s not like I can try and figure it out with him. I don’t even know what to say to him.” Even if he could get Eddie to talk to him, would they just sit in silence? Would Eddie forgive him like he always did?

He could only hope Bobby would have some insight. “Well, all I can say is: this is a time to swallow your pride and apologize. Be the first to come to the table and say _something_. Because like it or not, Eddie’s parents are a part of your life because they’re a part of Eddie and Christopher’s life. And short of…something I don’t think you want, you might just have to learn to live with it.”

_Short of something he didn’t…break up with Eddie because his parents weren’t perfect? What? No. Still._

“You should hear the way they talk to Eddie”

“Then show them they’re wrong.” Buck swallowed the rest of his retort as Bobby’s words sank in. “You said: nothing is more important than family.”

He had, hadn’t he. He meant it. Well, he’d half meant it. _His_ family was important to him. The one he’d made, not the one he’d left behind so he could be himself. That’s what he wanted for Eddie, freedom. That wasn’t wrong, was it?

He knew there was more to think about, but having an audience for his existential musings – especially his boss – was making him a little self-conscious. “Thanks, Bobby.” He nodded gratefully, his signal that he wanted to be alone with his thoughts.

When his captain didn’t move, he looked up, seeing Bobby with a gently guiding look. “You know, once I go to my office, the kitchen will be free and quiet. If you wanted to talk to anyone before the next call.”

Buck barely suppressed his laughter. “You want me to wake Eddie up in the middle of 24-hour shift to talk about his feelings? He’s gonna love that.” Neither of them was great at that particular skill, and having _that_ talk at work, in the middle of the night; it felt laughable. Even so.

“I’ll think about it” he promised.

Once again, Bobby looked at Buck with a something soft and tired that made Buck weary of his next words.

“I’m proud of you, Buck.”

Before he could respond, Bobby was gently patting his back and walking away, leaving Buck alone in the silence of the loft.

* * *

He tried to wipe his hands on the sides of his pants for the third time since entering the bunker. All around him, friends and colleagues tossed and turned. A few of them shifted when he walked through but no one woke. It didn’t matter anyways; he was a man on a mission.

He spotted the top of Eddie’s dark hair obscured by his blanket and he pressed his hands down again. This shouldn’t be so hard. He’d watched Eddie sleep before; he’d had difficult conversations with him – even come to the table and apologized before. He could do this.

Though Buck couldn’t see his face, turned away and half covered by the thin, company-provided blanket, he knew Eddie. Knew his body language. Knew how he looked when he was completely at ease with the world around him.

Eddie was awake.

He also knew that when Eddie was awake, he had an incredible awareness of his surroundings.

Eddie knew he was there and chose to ignore him.

 _That’s why this has to happen now_ , Buck reminded himself. _It can’t go on like this._

“Eddie, can we please talk?” He kept his words low so as to not disturb the others but his whisper couldn’t hide the shaking in his voice.

Maybe that’s what made Eddie finally turn his head. “Now?” he grumbled.

Buck shrugged even though it couldn’t be seen in the darkness. “No time like the present.”

There was silence between them; lingering, tight, uneven silence that seemed to stretch for hours. Buck held his breath. After a moment, Eddie exhaled in a sort of defeat, rising from the comfort of his incredibly lumpy mattress, and following Buck into the kitchen.

Buck took Bobby’s previously occupied seat and watched Eddie hesitate before sitting at the end of the table beside him. His own mug was cooling off to the side, but he pushed a cup of fresh coffee into Eddie’s hands as Bobby had done – a sort of peace offering or show of good faith. Their fingers brushed when he wrapped his hands around the mug but neither of them reacted.

Worse than that, Eddie didn’t drink the coffee offered to him. He stared into the cup and held it in his hands but he didn’t bring it to his lips and give a test sip even though it was always too hot. That’s what Eddie _always_ did when Buck made him coffee. And now he was just staring at it.

“What, Buck?” Eddie groused without looking up from the mug.

Right. He had to start. He’d asked to talk at three o’clock in the morning. He had to start.

“I’m sorry for hurting you. I didn’t say any of it to hurt you, but I did.” That was the truth of it. He wanted Eddie to understand him and instead, he’d hurt him. He never wanted to hurt Eddie.

“You said it because you hate my parents.” Buck remembered saying, right to Eddie’s face, that he hated his parents. Maybe in the moment it had been some form of truth, but now?

“I don’t hate them.” He tried to lean closer but Eddie straightened his shoulders and he held back. “Okay, I don’t like how they make you feel. I don’t like the person you are when they’re around.”

Eddie seemed to chew on those words before he responded, eyes locked to the table. “What kind of person am I?”

Did he really not see it? It broke Buck’s heart to see him shift away from his parents whenever they talked about Christopher and the life they were missing back home. “You’re quiet. And defensive; like you have to justify everything you do to them. You don’t have to.”

“You don’t like when they dictate how I should handle something.” Eddie nodded along which spurred Buck on; he was getting through to him.

“Exactly. You are an amazing father, okay, no one should question your judgement like that.”

“Buck, I want you to think really carefully about what you’ve just said to me.” He recoiled at the patient but exasperated tone. Like Eddie was talking to a child. What was that supposed to mean?

He scrolled through their most recent exchange, trying to recall exactly what had been said.

_I don’t like how they make you feel._

_They dictate how you should handle something._

_No one should question your judgement._

Oh.

Okay, so, Buck had been telling Eddie how to deal with his parents and he probably shouldn’t have. But it was done out of love, a need to protect his family.

“It’s different” he insisted, but any explanation died on his tongue when Eddie finally looked at him.

“Yeah, Buck, they’re my parents.” His eyes were tired; sad. Buck had done that to him. “Look, they’re not perfect people, but neither am I.” Eddie raised an eyebrow to emphasize his point. “Neither are you. That doesn’t mean they don’t get to be in my life, or Christopher’s life. Only I get to decide and as my partner, I need you to stand beside me, not in front of me. I don’t need your protection, Buck, I need you to support me.”

As Eddie’s words settled over him, Buck’s only thought was ‘he’s right’. Eddie’s parents cared about him a lot, so much so that they wanted them closer and wanted to be a part of Christopher’s life. But there were all these little things that bothered him from the moment they met. The way they coddled the little boy irritated Buck; the way they asked invasive questions about Eddie’s – and Buck’s – financial situations made him feel like he wasn’t doing enough.

Made _him_ feel. Eddie’s parents had made one too many snide remarks – even if it was born out of love – and Buck had been right back to the fights he’d had with his parents over the choices he was making. The things they’d said to each other were on par with what he’d heard from Eddie and his family, but Buck had left and never looked back. Eddie had stepped away from his family but didn’t leave them. Didn’t want to leave them. There was no comparison.

“So maybe I was projecting a little.”

Eddie snorted, but accepted his small attempt to lighten the mood. “You think?”

With that small laugh, the silence broke open. They could take a breath again even if the air was stale. They could breathe and they could talk. “I don’t have it in me to forgive my parents – I don’t know that I ever will – but it wasn’t fair to put that on you. I am sorry.”

“I know.” Eddie barely hesitated before offering a small smile; his own peace offering. “I forgive you. And I know I said that you don’t have a say in what goes on in my house and with my family.” Buck looked down where Eddie’s hand shot out to hold his. “But you’re my family, Buck. You’re my home. If having my parents staying with us really makes you that uncomfortable, I can book them a hotel for this visit.”

He knew the answer in an instant. “No, they should stay with us. I want to get to know them a little better.”

Even if he never learned to like them, they had two very important things in common and that seemed worth it. _Short of something you don’t want_. Buck was never letting go of them. Of that, he was absolutely certain. So, he needed to change.

When Eddie squeezed his hand, he had the overwhelming sense that things would be okay. “You don’t have to love them, you just have to love us, okay?”

“I can do that.” Buck offered a smile and it was returned for a moment, replaced then by a gentle apology.

“I’m sorry for the things I said in anger.”

 _It didn’t mean they weren’t true._ Buck pushed that thought aside. _You’re projecting again._

“It’s okay.”

Things were okay; they were going to be fine. Buck would be better and Eddie would never kick him out again. He couldn’t take it. Sleeping on the couch, wondering if it would be their new normal or if Eddie would eventually just tell him to leave because he couldn’t be trusted to keep his issues to himself. He could take the torturous anticipation of being left, from a lot of people. But not Eddie.

Some of his emotions must have been evident on his face because he felt a hand run up to his shoulder to steady him. “What?” Eddie encouraged.

“Can I come home?”

Eddie held tighter. “What?”

“I miss sleeping next to you. I can’t seem to do it without you.” A part of him wondered if he should feel embarrassed for the desperation and fear in his voice but it didn’t matter. None of it mattered except for his family.

“I was waiting for you.”

 _What? No, that’s impossible_.

“You said you didn’t want me.”

“That night.” Eddie seemed to realize the truth before Buck, his eyes wide with sad disbelief. “I said I didn’t want you that night. I needed a second to cool off, I thought you would come back.” His hand came up to hold Buck’s chin; to look him right in the eyes as he spoke. “But you didn’t.”

_You left._

What Eddie wasn’t saying: Buck left. He hadn’t meant to, but he did anyways. He left, even just for a week, and he promised he would never do that again. He had really screwed up.

He wanted to come back. One night away from Eddie, and Buck was ready to forgive him if it meant they could share a bed once more. Then, he’d been ready to apologize for anything and everything. He just wanted to come back. All this time, they’d both been doing the same thing? Eddie let his hand fall away as Buck lost himself in another wave of guilt.

“So, you’re telling me I’ve been punishing myself – both of us – all week?”

“Maybe I’ve been punishing us a little, too.” He watched Eddie’s eyes return to the safety of the coffee cup in his hand, hiding just a little bit. _Protecting himself_. “I thought you were pulling away and it hurt. So, I stepped back because…I don’t want to keep you somewhere you don’t want to be.”

The floor dropped out from under him. How had he let it get this bad? How had he ever let Eddie believe for a moment that he didn’t want to be with him? “I’ve hated this week.” Eddie continued his confession. “I sleep better when I’m next to you.”

Buck was the one to reach out this time, curling his hand over Eddie’s in a way he hoped provided comfort. Eddie looked at their hands, lost in contemplation, and finally into Buck’s eyes. There was a determination and a sadness that made him want to give Eddie the world.

“We gotta be better about this, Buck. I never want to have a fight like this again – especially around Christopher. What were we thinking?”

“Neither of us were doing a lot of thinking. Mostly reacting.” That much had become painfully clear. The concept of _reacting_ brought Buck back to that night; to seeing Christopher out of the corner of his eye and diving forward. To wrapping the boy in his arms and holding him, while they both shook from the shock of the sudden movement. Eddie remembered it, too.

“And then you pulled him away from the stove before I could even get to him. If you hadn’t been there”

“He wouldn’t have been in danger.” Buck had been closer, that was all it meant.

Eddie’s eyes softened. “When I saw you holding him – comforting him even though you were the one in pain – I had this thought that none of it mattered anymore. Not the fight, not my parents, not any of it. Just so long as the two of you were safe.”

His words, his honest confession, clicked everything into place.

“Nothing is more important than family.” Buck confirmed. “Even family that’s a little harder to love. I think I’m starting to get that.” He curled tighter around Eddie’s fingers, a secondary apology for the millions he wanted to express. “Are we okay?”

Eddie encircled his other hand around Buck’s wrist and just held him there. “We’re okay” he whispered, cementing the words for both of them. As they looked into each other’s eyes, things felt resolved. Not finished or perfect, but settled; understood. It was enough.

The moment was broken not by the ringing of an alarm, or an interrupting co-worker, but by a yawn. Buck would have laughed at Eddie if he hadn’t followed suit. Eddie chuckled even as he ducked his head. “But I am exhausted. What do you say, we try and get a few minutes of sleep before the next call?”

It was a simple enough request (one both of them had made a hundred times). It felt like more tonight. It felt like coming home after a long journey. At peace.

Buck took Eddie’s offered hand and they stood together, abandoning their coffee cups in the sink on their way back to the beds they’d restlessly abandoned. He remembered the full room they were about to enter. “There aren’t any adjacent beds left.” They couldn’t lie facing each other, finding comfort in their close proximity.

Eddie tugged their joined hands and Buck stumbled into him just a little. There were close now, noses brushing and breaths linger hot in the air. They hadn’t kissed in a week; hadn’t touched or comforted. It would be such a simple gesture to do now. He could lift his chin and their lips would meet and everything else would be forgotten. But he didn’t want to forget; Buck wanted to hold on to the devastation and pain that had followed him all week. The ache in his back from sleepless nights spent alone unnecessarily. The horror in his stomach when he realized how badly he’d hurt his partner. The determination to repair what was cracked between them. It would never happen again. So, he let Eddie lead him away, unkissed.

“We can share. I plan on holding you close.”

**Author's Note:**

> I just really like when they have an issue and actually talk to each other. It needs to happen more often. Especially because they mean well and just want to love each other. /sigh/
> 
> Kudos/Comments are always appreciated.
> 
> Check out my tumblr [madamewriterofwrongs](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/madamewriterofwrongs/blog/madamewriterofwrongs)


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